In which I had to go out
I went to choir on Thursday.*
* Actual process:
1. Wake up and scan through body.
Is there cramping? [Y/N]
Will this cramping escalate and prevent you from going? [Y/N]
If “Y”, message choir director. Experience extreme guilt. Skip to step 9.
If “N”, eat, then take painkillers.
2. Are you still cramping or has cramping started since this morning? [Y/N]
Will you have to take (more) painkillers? [Y/N]
If “Y”, half an hour before taking them, eat to line stomach in order to avoid gastritis.
3. Are you still cramping? [Y/N]
If “Y”, eat, take painkillers around an hour before getting on the bus.
4. Make sure you bring a vomit bag, tissues, water, more painkillers.
5. Select the bus seat least likely to induce cramp of the ones available. Do not get on the bus if there is no seat.
Sit bolt upright and as still as you can.
Simultaneously attempt to spread out and wedge yourself securely.
Manspread without upsetting the person next to you.
Try to relax.
6. While in choir, hydrate, relax, and roll shoulders.
7. Are you still cramping? [Y/N]
If “Y”, during the mid-practice break take more painkillers.
8. Is the cramp getting worse? [Y/N]
If “Y”, get off the bus early and walk the rest of the way home.
9. Is the cramp still bad? [Y/N]
If “Y”, move pillows and duvet to the floor.
Eat to line stomach.
Apply ibuprofen gel.
Apply ice packs.
Move plastic bin within arm’s reach.
10. Leave food and water on the floor nearby in case you need to take more painkillers in four hours’ time.
11. Attempt to sleep on the floor.
12. If cramping escalates, wake in four hours, eat, take painkillers.
13. Apply hope protocol.