In which I’m not very funny

Last week I went along to a pain clinic appointment.

Middle-aged, male doctor, blunt opener:

‘I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t know why you’re here.’

Not the most auspicious start.

The barrage of honesty continued. I had the wrong type of pain (he only does localised pain – one joint, for preference), and I was still under investigation so shouldn’t have been sent to him.

He’d mis-read my notes and wasn’t all that happy when I pointed out the mix up (‘I don’t make things up. I don’t lie.’) I upped the amount of solicitousness in my tone and added a hefty sprinkle of ‘I’m so sorry’, and ‘of course’.

I queried whether he had any advice on painkillers, and he assumed I was trying to scalp him for opiates:

‘You shouldn’t be taking opiates. I don’t want to see another drug-addled patient walking through my door.’

Pause.

I made an attempt to explain that opiates were all I’ve got, given that we don’t have a way to treat the muscle behaviour because we don’t know what’s going on.

‘My best advice is don’t lose your job. And don’t take opiates.’

Pause.

‘You’re well educated? You google everything? Know things better than your consultants?’

He’d nailed that one – I’m an inveterate googler, but I’m also wise enough to go into medical appointments with an open mind. It was rapidly closing in this particular appointment.

‘You could join a Pain Management Programme. There’s one here, but we don’t have a psychologist and you need a good psychologist, that’s what you really need.’

It was around this point that I crumpled into tears, thereby annoyingly underlining his point.

The nurse was sent for some hand towels (I foolishly seem to see consultants without tissues to hand), and the tone rapidly shifted from ‘honesty’ to ‘I really wish I could do something for you.’

He described me as ‘delightful’ and ‘distressed’ in his letter to my GP. I feel like I stepped into another century.

Dead end.