The post-holiday blues are sniffing at the door, scrabbling with intent at the letter slot. Anxiety gives a howl as she butts at the drooping handle, while Misery sits back with his old head resting on his paws, waiting for the inevitable opening of the door. Irritation nips at the others and gives a volley of angry barks at being kept in the cold.
Every song that plays on a playlist that I know to be filled with chirpiness somehow hits a mournful note.
I’m keeping the blues at bay by imagining myself launching into the blackened sky and flying higher and higher until I’m above this thickened layer of mist and rain.
I emerge into blazing blue skies and find the Sun’s fierce glow.
I dance over the cloud plain until the memory is locked in place and I can bring it with me as I descend back down to earth.
Dismembered heads seem entirely Innocuous until the Object in question is a Child. Pale lips an eternal moment from speech, Locks of hair unmoved by chill breeze, and Eyes never carved to completion. They loved this face enough to make it marble. While the laughing boy Is now forgotten, love Anchors to his every Nick and fracture.
When I’m with you, I’m lit by the blazing sunlight of your presence. Everything becomes more entertaining, more challenging, more exciting.
But I fade from your brain as soon as my footsteps recede, and I only buzz a mental alarm clock when you encounter an overt reminder.
I know it’s just the way you are – I’ve always known. It’s an integral part of you and it couldn’t be changed without everything else changing.
I learned to let go of expectations because there was only ever one result: I would get hurt and then the same thing would roll around and happen again. Expectations form a wedge of resentment that slides between your heart and mine, but I’m the only one who knows it’s there.
I catch myself now and then, caught between hope and waiting. Gilded with the bladed edge of bitterness. And then I remember that there is no decision between you or the lack of you. I cannot live without the sun.
So I store up those glowing hours and let them cast light on darker times. I absorb apologies into my skin and know that they are completely sincere in the moment, for all that they may scatter into ashes in the next.
And when I walk into the sunshine once more, it will burn away all but the heart you hold in your hands.